


breadwinners aren't supposed to have celiac disease

by holographicghost



Category: House M.D.
Genre: AU, Angst, But friendship, Gen, Stuff, authors personal opinion is not shown in works, but its implied you know, but not part of the rest of the series, death of a character in one chapter, gay flrting, mentions of child abuse, niceness, not actually hilson, not rly romance, one shots, size foot but you know, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-02 20:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16793758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holographicghost/pseuds/holographicghost
Summary: “Never have I ever done it doggy style on the couch with a tuna fish sandwich between us.” House baits.“What? You can’t honestly expect me to ever have done that.”“No, you’re too vanilla.”“Am not!” Wilson exclaims.





	1. totally fuckin meta

**Author's Note:**

> why so much hallway walking? Why is fanfiction being written? this chapter addresses none of that

“I thought the point of fanfiction was to get to characters right.” House walks down the hospital corridor.  
Cameron answers. “Yes, but as a writer it’s sometimes hard to get it right. Characters could either be smarter than the writer can manage, or maybe they aren’t intuitive enough, or-” House interrupts her  
“Maybe then, they shouldn't be writing it.”  
“Sir, anyone can do whatever they want. People should just be glad that it’s free.”  
“Free? So was the Spanish flu, still killed millions. Not everything free should be hailed as the next holy messiah.” House scowled. Another voice joined the duo.  
“Excuse me, but why are we talking about the spanish flu? Is that what the patient has? I didn’t even know you took another case, House.”  
“Go away Chase,” Cameron says. “And we don’t have a case. We’re just having a conversation as friends.”  
“Or lovers.” House says “The spanish flu is known as the sexist of flus.”  
“I thought the spanish flu wasn’t in circulation?” Says Forman.  
“When did he get here?” Chase asks  
“Just now. Does someone have the spanish flu? Is it resurfacing?” Forman asks again.  
“Better hope not, the government funded microbiology unit is getting more cut-backs every day.” Says Chase  
“My favorite thing about fanfiction is how funny it is.” House says, “I just love how it goes on tangents instead of getting on with the plot.”  
“So you’ve read much then?” Chase says  
“Hey, where’d Cameron go?” Asks Forman. The group all stop walking as they notice none of them have any reason to be walking the halls.  
“I think we should bring back the age of pirates.” House observes.  
“Yeah, she was here a minute ago.” Says Chase. The two look around.  
“The swashbuckling seems incredibly enticing.”


	2. Real friends snowball eachother in hotel rooms after just meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> House and Wilsons friendship origin

They sat across from each other on the floor of the hotel room. Wilson shifted uncomfortably from his spot on the rough and dubiously clean carpeting. It was past midnight, and both men were nursing drinks and talking about the inner intricacies of life.   
“I’ve never ordered porn off someone elses’ tab” Wilson says. House doesn’t drink.  
“Whaat? I coulda sworn I’d have you by that!” He exclaims.  
“The opportunity has never come up. It would have earlier today, but you insisted on being a little pussy.” House says.  
“Nothing pussy-like about me.” Wilson argues.  
“Nah, you’re totally a pussy. I’m a dick and you’re the pussy. Let’s get together.”   
“House, Shut up!”   
“I go in you. If that clears up any confusion.” He says.  
“Ugh. It’s your turn. Shut up.”  
“Never cheated on anyone.”   
“You’re supposed to say never have I ever!” Wilson exclaims.  
“You didn’t.”   
“Fair enough.” They both take a drink.  
“Never have I ever-see, I’m playing along- uh… Never have I ever… had sex with a hooker.” Wilson says. House doesn’t drink.  
“What? You said so earlier-”  
“I lied. I can get my own chicks, thank you very much.” House pops the hard consonants.  
“Shut up.  
“Never have I ever done it doggy style on the couch with a tuna fish sandwich between us.” House baits.  
“What? You can’t honestly expect me to ever have done that.”  
“No, you’re too vanilla.”   
“Am not!” Wilson exclaims.  
“Are too.”  
“Never have I ever been a virgin past 14.” Wilson says, bragging.  
“Fourteen? That’s awfully young. Did someone take advantage of you?”  
“No. I’m just a stud, okay?” Wilson was defensive. House grinned, and drank.  
“Whaaaat?”  
“Seventeen. Lost it at seventeen.”  
“Wow, guess you didn’t always have your stunningly good looks.” Wilson poked his new friend on the shoulder, laughing.  
“Shut up. Never have I ever snowballed a forty year old.  
“What? What does that even mean?” Wilson asks. House rolls his eyes  
“If you don’t know then the answer is no.”  
“Is snowballing a sex act? Are you coming onto me?”   
“As much as I’d like you to spit my cum in someone else’s mouth, no. I’m not coming onto you. And how old do you think I am exactly?” House looks almost offended.  
“Forty. Never have I ever eaten iceberg lettuce as a full meal.” House drinks.  
“Never have I ever broken a mirror because someone was being a bitch.”  
“Never have I ever bailed a stranger out and invited them back to my hotel room.”  
“Never have I ever flirted with a male acquaintance as we sit drinking on the floor of my hotel room.”  
“Hey, yeah you have.” House interjects, relaxed from the alcohol.   
“No! I haven’t been flirting-”  
“Just saying your friend is handsome.”  
“-And this isn’t my hotel room.”  
“It is now. Chances are you aren’t gonna make it back to yours tonight.”  
“Yes I will, shut up.” Wilson says.  
“I’m hot and you dig me.”  
“Shut up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was brought to you by the second base version of spit swapping.   
> Comments are humor to the scientists that named the bobbit worm


	3. Breadwinners should not have celiac disease

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the namesake of the story

He should have been embarrassed. Truth was, nothing had ever been more mortifying. But, like a good child, he looked up at his superior, and acted like nothing was wrong. Let the older man be the one embarrassed. On the spot. It wasn’t young Greg who had done anything wrong. It was the father who gave out ice baths in winter and beatings when grades were bad. Surely, nothing was wrong with the miserable recipient. Just a victim of circumstance, as we all were from time to time. 

Greg tried not to break eye contact, even as his eyes became blurry with tears. He hoped his father had enough decency to let the kid have some points for bravery. His dad-though not in biology or terms of endearment- had control over him. And his mom let it happen. So when he woke up to a wet bed and face [from piss and tears respectively], he tried to wake his mom. Unfortunately, his dad was a lighter sleeper and woke up to his son on the other side of the bed from him inches away from touching his sleeping wifes shoulder. 

Which led them both there, a pissed off dad glaring at his pissed-on son.   
“What, couldn’t make it to the bathroom?” Said the taller one  
“I didn’t mean to.” Greg whispered, ashamed of himself.  
“Didn’t mean to or didn’t want to? Either way, you were trying to wake your mom up with your own indecency. You know how hard it is to get her to sleep. And now you’re waking me up from sleeping myself. I have work tomorrow, you know that? I’m the primary breadwinner for this family. If I go down, we all go down.” He looked disgustedly at his sons wet pants. “And clean this mess up.”  
“Yes.” Came the meek reply.  
“Yes, sir.”   
“Yes, sir.”

Gregory House was a brilliant young boy. At ten he was known as an advanced child. Fifteen he excelled at microbiology. But at five years old, young Greg shivered away in ice, warned not to come out until it had all melted and the stink of urine had finally left his body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're better off clicking "See whole work" because the chapters are so fucking short.  
> Comment stuff


	4. The ghost of you

He winked at his reflection in the mirror. Eyes red, mouth pale. His nails were cracked and his lips were chapped. Anyone around him could tell that he wasn’t exactly in the best state.  
Especially the doctor sitting on his bed, watching him getting ready for the day.   
“You know, maybe you should stay home. What, with the fact that you look like the grim reaper and all.” The doctor said.  
“No. I have things to do.” He straightened his tie.  
“Grim reaper in the hospital? Oddly fitting, after what happened.” Came the voice again.  
“It wasn’t my fault.”   
“Of course not. Accidents happen. Sometimes, it happens to your best friend.”  
“You aren’t real.” He gripped the countertop, moistening his lips with his tongue. He tasted like blood.  
“Of course not. If I were you wouldn’t be in the state you are right now.”  
“Shut up.” How fitting that he’d only be this clever as long as his dead friend was in mind. Even his memory was insulting him.  
“Why? Just making friendly conversation. We used to do that often. Remember, before? Remember?”  
“I said to be quiet.”  
“I don’t have to listen to anything you say. You didn’t pay attention to me before. Here I am, trying to say goodbye. You aren’t very nice.”  
“Nice is for people who aren’t the cause for their best friend’s death. I should have been there.”  
“And now what?” The mocking memory of House said from on top of his bed. “You’re killing yourself to go to work to save other people. You aren’t good at keeping people alive, you know?”  
“Please,” Wilson tried to plead, “Please.”   
“Go harder? Okay, but I’m getting pretty close.” House sneered  
“Shut up.”  
“I’m in your own mind. You shut me up. It’s how this works. You don’t want me to be quiet. You don’t want me to leave. You want me here to stay with you. You miss me.”  
“I miss my friend. You aren’t him. You’re an awful imitation.” The living doctor started to breath erratically.  
“Imitation is often the best policy.”  
“That’s…. Not how…. It works.” Wilson barely breathed, starting to hyperventilate. House got up to move closer to his friend. Gliding on the floor, the spector regarded the remaining doctor with cool eyes. Devoid of emotion. Emotion that was lost to him because of Wilson. The remaining doctor looked up at his friend, crying. His body shook.  
“I wish you were still with me.” He cried.  
“I wish I were too.” House said.  
“I love you.”  
The ghost of house looked down at his murderer.   
“I loved you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> More chapters to come.  
> I am frankensteins monster and comments are my lightening storm.


End file.
